I was so drunk i thought Kathy Griffin was funny
I just opened up the mens room door to a dude pissing in the urinal and pointing at himself in the mirror
Ever find yourself wondering if your life is God's way of telling a joke?
God that barista is texting me bout his life like i care i mean dude just hook me up with free coffee thats why i gave you my number
He's coming over for beer and a movie, but I just don't know if he's interested.
Pathetic and sad. I should come over there and fuck both of you just to get the ball rolling.
Hey, just wanted to let you know that University Police stopped by and repossessed the stolen laundry basket. And the 8 bottles of detergent.
You fucked a stripper on your sisters friends blow up mattress. The least you could do is wash the sheets.
He's upstairs shouting 'FUCK OFF I'M IN MY MOTHERFUCKING ZEN ZONE' out of the window.
drunk grocery shopping was not as bad of an idea as i thought, this salmon cat food tastes a lot like tuna
Please tell me how I go from a guy with a coke problem to a cop. My own life doesn't even make sense to me anymore
Your actions as of last night have earned you over thirty new nicknames.
We are all done wearing pants today
I don't think I've ever been sadder than the way I feel when I finish my meal while I'm high
I know it's 10:30am but Finding Dory starts in an hour, and I have four points of molly. You down?
He saw my Halloween/ Costume closet and assumed I’m into cosplay. I’m going with it. What’s sexier, a cop or a nurse?
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