Vomit. Vomit. Whatever. You wear a tiara in public.
I woke up at 11 this morning in my car parked in front of the bar.
I know, I tried to wake you up, but I couldnt. So I walked home
I woke up and she had breakfast in bed for me
RUN RUN RUN RUN
So I fucked that hot french guy last night
You do know he's the one who threw up on our table, right? You get to clean it up.
she said 'i love fried rice', threw a condom at me and passed out naked.
Just beat off to internet porn while talking to my mom on the phone and eating a cinnamon roll. U have 5 minutes to get on my level
His personality is sparkling but nothing beats his ass
Sometimes i like to think we arent living together next year and that im living with models that like to experiment but you ruin that fantasy time and time again
I'm developing all these feelings it's disgusting.
I dont have to work tomorrow im yelling gibberish at squirrels
This is my last chance to be the first person to fall off this roof.
I'm like, not good at living.
To be clear you just said "I'll give you a baby" as a sext?
I keep worrying she's gonna have a repeat of the time the ceiling fan was talking in Chinese
oh man there are to hot chicks wrestling in a pool of maple syrup. ill send you a picture
this is why i will never break up with you
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