Will you still be my friend if I read and enjoyed Twilight?
No
I hate you, and I hope you have babies soon that you love very much. Then I will steal them and feed them to sharks, and you will be so heart broken that you never want to have any more kids and you'll just hide out in a dark room all day wondering how someone could feed another persons babies to sharks.
Small Doughy Asian men and sleeveless hoodies with nothing underneath do not mix well.
Sounds like the climatic scene of my favorite erotic novel.
True story: Just left my solo cup on a cop car. Yesss
The size of her hoop earrings are directly related to how much of a slut she is.
I can't believe you made out with me with a french fry in your mouth.
this bucketlist has just become an excuse for me to be slutty, and i'm not even ashamed
We didn't need to cut her off. I'm pretty sure the lit candle she almost drank would have done it for us
Scored tix to flower show. Do we want to go drunk on Saturday or hungover on Sunday? Only two options.
Bought two parrots for us. I'm keeping them at the Bellagio.
I can hear my parents having sex. I REPEAT. I CAN HEAR MY PARENTS HAVING SEX! THIS IS NOT A DRILL!
Your mom is 55 and has MS. To be honest, I'm proud of her, and you should be too, bitch.
How'd your Tinder date go?
Well, I met his girlfriend...
He hand fed me trail mix then I watched the video of me the next morning. He was actually feeding me meow mix.....that drunk. I still have no regrets marrying him
Now just crop his dad out and add it to the spank bank.
At a bar in the city and the whole place starting singing “Happy Birthday” to someone. Everyone but me. The person next to me leaned over and said, “Why didn’t you sing along?!?” I responded, “I don’t know him. I don’t give a shit if he has a happy birthday.”
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