Oh please, I could turn a Vienna Boys Choir concert into a shit show
Ughh on my way to the bathroom now... literally just puked on myself and cleaned it off with a hot dog bun... I love tailgate
that girl is introducing herself into your group of friends one dick at a time.
he's washing the lighter in the sink and telling me to picture unicorns. requesting backup.
he asked my vagina if she was excited to meet Leonard. LEONARD. His fuckin penis is named Leonard.
I don't know where Tiffany is but I just saw her shoes in the bar lost and found
I just passed a drug test. I want to shout that from the top of a mountain. Can we have beers on the top of a mountain?
Maybe if more guys knew my pillowtalk occasionally includes me scribbling notebook diagrams of cell signalling pathways, I'd get laid more often
When I say drunk I mean that in the process of filming a fratstar cooking show they threw a keg into the street where the police came to clean it up. now all they can say is "THE KEG GOT ARRESTED."
If my mom walks in on me masturbating one more time I'm moving out
You'd think the first few times would have been enough
My neck kind of hurts. I think from sleeping on the concrete.
I just got attacked by a swarm of butterflies. Nothing is okay anymore.
Mom called last night while I was at the bar and asked where I was. I told her I was on the highway to the danger zone while the guys were humming the top gun theme.
i told someone my fallback plan was to be a slutty bartender and i needed the practice as i straddled them to pour a shot
Remember how I made that resolution to remain celibate for 6 months? Well, I just broke that
You literally made that 4 hours ago...
Randomize
