guy in the car over is getting some terrible road head. he just gave me a thumbs down when he noticed i was watching.
the 3rd commandment: and god said, if you buy a handle.. you must finish it.
this text is just filler to avoid a lull in the conversation
Thanks for holding onto me so I didn't fall in my pee in that parking lot. You're the best boyfriend ever.
he just tried to convince me that tylenol is a gateway drug
What happened to chicks over dicks?
That rule does not apply to 9 inch dicks..
I can't be drunk. Sober yes. Drunk no. Spoonfuls
you riverdanced for the cops while the rest ran away.
Can I color on your dick again?
I thought that wasn't a thing ever since she showed you her vag on the dance floor
In 2009 his now husband dressed in a sailor onesie and heels for pride so he needs to REMEMBER how to party
The time to say "now you can't go and be strange about this at work" is not as you are penetrating your coworker. NOW its awkward
I just made some sangria and taking a roadie on my stroller walk around the hood! Parenting at its finest
I'm laying in bed cuddling with my teddy bear and eating waffles. I need a fucking boyfriend
You can't hold me to anything I said last night; I was drunk on orgasms.
Randomize
