The chick I went home with last night had a happy trail
just cut a line with my blood donor card...i feel like it will help remind me that i was once a productive member of society.
There was an audience eating triscuts and bananas in the bathroom while watching him puke. It was a good birthday.
All I remember was after sex she kept trying to take pictures of my dick "for memories"
He makes me wish my vagina was bigger... This must be what love feels like.
Can we end it on a good note at least? Can we fuck and then never talk again?
I don't know, I kept pretending that I was riding an elephant during. It was actually really fun, but you can't tell him that!
oh god I've lost the ability to distinguish between 'star trek' and 'the future'
just when his roommates walked in, we were naked in the kitchen. proceeded to awkwardly pretzel walk back into his room to cover each other (not that they haven't seen me naked plenty of times) and continue to have glorious morning sex. his roomates love me.
I just swallowed confetti and motor-boated some guys beard...#happy2015
even my drug dealer wished me a happy birthday before my mother did.
im buying my prof a giftcard to the state store bc he talked ab crying into a glass of tequila so he deserves it
I was trying to sext but got a notification that my dad and professor both commented on my Facebook photo. Bad timing.
Can you explain the Transformers set up for battle in my living room?
How was it?
i think i smell bacon but im to sore to walk downstairs. that kinda night
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