life is too short to starve
life is also too short to be fat
i just turned barefoot contessa into a drinking game. everytime she uses a knife butter or salt i drink.
I woke up to a topless girl handing me a blunt. Candidate for greatest wake-up ever?
I almost punched the night nurse in her face. I woke up and she was standing over me.
Boy did I ever crash and burn on the pickled egg pick up line.
he's home with a concussion now...but apparently i'm still the highlight of his freshman year
I swear she lies about being allergic to gluten so she'll get all the jack and not have to drink shitty beer like the rest of us
we tried to exchange flip flops in the parking lot and fell over then army crawled home
Dude. I tried to hide my drunk wounds from my parents. Response: "we were young once" and "oh god, did I raise a drunk?"
You are beyond drunk wounds. You have drunk battle scars. A true veteran of the sidewalk
They were arguing about who would hit the piñata first so naturally you tore it open with your hands. You broke the piñata and their hearts.
Oh goddamn. That a super downer Tuesday reality right there. Just hit me with the cold, hard, nasty facts.
Last night I crashed my housemates tinderdate, smoked his weed and then left. He felt too awkward to say no.#Empowerment
Damn Instagram explore page. I am six months in to some girl I don't even know.
his mom fetish really needs to stop. this is literally the 5th time i've come home from work and there's been some random skank and her kids in the living room.
did one of the kids use their poo like a crayon on the wall this time?
You know its a good morning when you wake up with blonde hair extensions in your pocket. . .
Randomize
