She looked like her face caught fire, and someone put it out with a screwdriver.
if i hear one more christmas song, i will fucking shoot myself.
Dude just bought condoms some sad fuck next to me buying a pregnancy test he gave me a look like he'd pay me millions to switch places
I took us ten minutes to realize the shower sex going upstairs was the reason the kitchen ceiling was flooding.
If it makes you feel any better, karma just served me up a big dose of fuck you.
I command you to take a shot and dance like the pretty little gay boy you are.
Makes Sense, i generally dont want the same person two days in a row. Its like what i pick for supper, i like variety
When nipples stop being hilarious I'll stop getting them out in public.
He's in the same dorm as me. We are sharing a laundry room, gym, and cafeteria. I'VE ALREADY COMMITTED DORMCEST AND MOVE-IN DAY ISN'T UNTILL NEXT WEEK!!!!
I apparently got up in the middle of the night after fucking him and started looking for you under piles of his clothing
I'm sorry I told you to go fuck yourself after you said good morning to me when I was hungover.
These muscle relaxers obviously don't work because I'm harder than a fucking diamond.
We drunkenly made out once four years ago and then he immediately vomited and honestly I've never gotten over him
I tried to fuck you in my bathroom while my parents were in the next room. I am a clusterfuck of fun.
I’m calling dibs!
You can’t call dibs on dick. That’s free range dick. May the best vagina win!
Randomize
