New realization: eye makeup remover takes sharpie off boobs
I wish the health center treadmills counted beers burned not calories
A beer fell out of the case, hit the ground and started spraying. He's a pro. He grabbed it and shotgunned it while still holding the case.
bro, sorry for: trying to put you on fire yesterday, telling the bouncer that it was you that broke the bottles, and to have slept with your sister.
Woke up on a mattress on a roof this morning with a pair of briefs next to me. Oh fleet week.
I'm pretty sure every guy I've been with this weekend has made a solid attempt at getting me pregnant...
I took shrooms last night.. For a good half hour I genuinely believed I was black and being held captive by a leaf. Never again.
I'm going to be fiscally responsible and buy a handle.
I CAN FEEL MY HEART BEATING MY WHOLE BODY
I don't know, but I assume drunk me had her reasons. I trust her judgement.
His dick's name has evolved from Sebastian to Big Daddy to Barbara Streisand to Barbara Walters. I think the transformation is finally complete.
I told my dad that he was in a band and he was all like " good job" and then he looked up the band and listened to their music and just went " oh have you disappointed me"
I offer naked tickle fights and orgasms and you call it trouble. I call that Christmas.
He in a way got kinda cockblocked by Jesus
The kid with the ed hardy shirt put a bunch of random shit in the washer and turned it on. example: a hanger, the movie Chocolate with Johnny Depp, and your mom's cat
Randomize
