i'm not a human right now. not even a dancer.
Now that I've come to graduate college. I realized the only discernible skill I learned was how to roll a joint properly. go me.
Well thats $24,000 well spent.
He was about to puke, and so I handed him an empty beer can. In retrospect, not very helpful.
Why do I have peacock feathers super glued to my body?
If Amber from Teen Mom can get a new boyfriend, so can I.
Honestly, I don't care if the only reason she gave me her beer was because she was bisexual and wanted to touch my vagina. Beer is beer.
Make sure you take the apple pie out of your pocket before you pass out.
Beer vodka and pink lemonade powder mixed together. So. Many. Penises. My vagina will be calling out to them tonight. Coooooooooooooome.
Promise me, at my funeral, you will re-enact our human sledding incident of 2011....you can use my dead body as said sled.
I need an adult. someone more adult than my current state
WHY THE FUCK IS MY BATH TUB FILLED WITH MUD?!
1. You were drunk 2. You wanted a mud bath\n3. We tried to talk you out of it, but you kept throwing dirt at us
I don't know what the bubonic plague feels like- but I'm gonna guess its something like this.
You threw up at the outdoor bar and it was pretty...astonishing just how much can come out of such a small human.
Come over.
Look lady I can't have sex with you EVERY day. I have things to do.
i now regret my decision on turning down your offer of sex in the backseat
Randomize
