just took batteries out of my vibrator to play wii guitar hero. think i am gonna regret that move later tonight.
"auto-tuned camel" is how i'd describe the noises she made
i woke up to him dangling his cock in front of my face
You passed out across the stairs with your feet and arms through the railings so you "wouldn't fall down when you blacked out and no one could get the pizza past you without waking you up". \n\nYou're the smartest drunk I know.
Now there are two cop cars. If I go to jail I just would like to thank you for making me wear boxers.
My mom is helping me re-arrange my room to make New Year's more hook-up friendly
Apparently it is frowned upon to ask the bouncer to stop pointing his flashlight in your face and step back so you can puke....and then do it
Mike showed up naked and in handcuffs. Again. Feel free to come over and laugh because I'm not helping this time.
I'm gonna have to get you a special blowjob bib -- like a lobster bib -- but instead of a picture of a little red lobster, it will have a picture of a penis, with 3 big squirts coming out.
I am having the most awesome nonsexual conversation about my vagina right now
You're about wine.
Yes, I'm like 90% wine at the moment
I got asked to "be the filling in a man sandwich." You don't get to pick the club again. EVER.
Yeah. I found my shirt from last night while walking back to the bar to get my purse/phone this morning. I'm never going to even ask what actually happened. Be glad you moved 7 states away.
my mom asked if I found my Easter basket. it's 1PM & I got home an hour ago from last night. if I'm looking for anything, it's my dignity.
just yelled CURVEBALL at my nightie because it turned out to be a pair of shorts
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