I got date raped at Sigma Chi last night!
Dude, you never made it to Chi last night. You fell into a tree and passed out.
Miracle whip is the devil's jizz.
If she didn't want me to pass out in her bathroom, then she shouldn't have such a furry rug in there
You were pretty fucked up... decided playing hopscotch down the stairs was an excellent idea.. it was extremely entertaining
I might have to break the "you stay out of my sister and ill stay out of yours" pact that i have with tim
I used puppy pads next to the couch for her to throw up on....
lit a joint with my parents wedding matches today, this is what happens when you're out of lighter fluid. didnt even feel guilty.
Operation: sleep in every bed at the boys' house is nearing completion. Now at 5/9. I AM GOLDILOCKS AND NO ONE CAN STOP ME
I just want to let it be known that I almost put my phone in the fridge.
The man who lives downstairs is fluent in Russian, and also a playboy. You should meet.
idk but i can hear her singing "Call Me Maybe" really slowly and emotionally in the shower right now
I like to imagine god has to get plastered to deal with the fact that he made you and me
I just had sex on my kitchen counter. It's like the American dream
The first thing my Christmas gift money is buying is a dildo.
They are in the bedroom next door. We might have a threesome idk. Jesus take the wheel.
GO. DO.
I am Jesus and I am taking the wheel.
Randomize
