is there any particular reason you took a shit in a zip lock bag and left it in my refrigerator?
I would give up sex for lent, but I think Jesus would understand that I went too long without it to go back now.
she just gave me a present from you... on a stripper pole. in front of the whole club. :)
WHY ISNT THIS A PICTURE MESSAGE
The fact that I am sitting home writing a resume while you're out inducing vomiting makes me feel like way more of an adult than I'm ready to be.
I walked into the garage and you were telling the bikes that you were not that drunk.
The port-a-pottys are knocked over so I have nowhere to sleep.
Apparently he's taking the slut he cheated on me with on a cruise for her birthday. THAT COULD HAVE BEEN ME. TITANTIC STYLE.
While I was fucking him, he grabbed a taco off his shelf and started eating it. I had taco dripped on me. I have no idea where the taco came from.
Check having sex on the rocks and dirt on the peak of saddleback mountain off my list.
I felt like a god.
My ex came over to hook up...then I went on a date 2 hours later and got a bj. Single: Finally doing it right.
Nothing says Happy Holidays like sending a picture of your ass to the wrong manager.
I shoulda been born a dude. There's too much power in a vagina.
It turned from Netflix and chill to cringeworthy YouTube videos and chill. At least he's honest.
It's only considered alcoholism if you're drinking from something other than a cup....right?
she said she was so hungover this morning in a way that sounded like she was apologizing for thinking she was attracted to me last night...
Randomize
