There is a half eaten corn dog and soy sauce on the counter... WTF did you eat last night??
I wouldnt endorse that guy if he was walking in a walkathon to raise money for a disease i had
You were in the garage half naked counting your ribs and talking about how you had too many
She's been divorced three times and use to raise cock fighters. Of course I'm interested in her
I just scrubbed chocolate off the bathtub... You better have had a damn good birthday
if I could send you my dick right now I would. that's how good of a friend I am.
I left a care package of Jack Daniel's, pancake mix and porn in your apartment. Merry fucking Christmas.
He was like Sweeney Todd... But, without the killing people part.
So... He's a barber?
No. He's got crazy hair, and a revenge fetish. But he's hot. Does that make up for it?
Well that's the thing. He does want to take me out... To a strip club. I see this going down a very bad road but you know I'm going to go.
Well, you've continued the theme of living with people who's dicks I've sucked.
Normally roommates threatening each other with knives would be too much crazy for me, but I don't have much going on right now and I feel like this could get interesting. So I think I'm gonna ride this shit out for a while.
I'm sitting here with a band aid on my labia, this is a first
You should've seen the look on the guys face when I demanded pho and a beer the second they opened. Obviously he doesn't understand hangovers
Well when I woke up this morning I didn’t think I’d be masturbating to my own LinkedIn profile today but here we are
FUCK ME I smuggled weed onto a plane by accident
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