At least I can take solace in the fact that with 8 billion some odd people in the world, at least one of them is shitting in their own car right now.
vaguely remember the bartender stopping me outside last night so he could pull the duct tape out of my hair
I had a dream she was puking on me, but sadly in real life she was puking on me too
High moment. Almost just passed the blunt to the dog.
Look, I'm just saying... paying ur respects to the neighbors who had a death in the family with food u steal from the neighbors having the cookout may result in a negative karma situation.
Guess who just got caught by mall security having sex in a car in the parking lot... at noon. This chick.
Dude you asked your tattoo if it wanted to go swimming
I folded my dollar bills into mustaches in preparation for our trip to the strip club
You don't know how emotionally damaged I am from crashing into that park maintenance van. I'll never ride a bike because of it.
you sternly forced jackson to start preheating the oven around midnight so you could make bagels in the morning
you were serious about those bagels
Is it weird that my ex and the dude I'm talking to now both only have one testicle? Apparently I've found my type..
COME HERE AND I WILL SUCK YOUR COCK UNDER THE LIGHT OF THIS BEAUTIFUL ELECTRICITY
Jus had a dream that I borrowed bob dylans car to save us from a pack of raptors. Pretty stoked about it.
So apparently my bro is going to make me fix his tattoo this trip... He sent me a pic of said tattoo. Tattoo is of a sperm, on his penis, which was in a woman's mouth... Wth
Coworker just walked in thirty minutes late reeking like weed and clutching a handful of scratch-off tickets. Also, there’s still a stripper pole in my office. Happy Wednesday!
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