my head feels like I tried to put alcohol out of business last night
Well It's time to grow up anyways, right? Now that you're graduated and have a job you can't drink uncontrollably
No. Now that I'm graduated I can drink uncontrollably at nicer bars
I'm so hungover i just sang the alphabet to see if "Z" comes after "W"
Are you pooping in the stall next to me?
Maybe....
Cause I just heard a fart and it sounded like one of your farts.
She's making her own pesto again. Cooking spaghetti in the microwave and "frying" vegetables in the toaster oven. All this while wearing the yellow rubber gloves and saying that the pesto has feelings like a real person. Im terrified.
he's listed in a fb relationship with a girl born in 1993. i'm too drunk to do the math on that one, but i am sober enough to know that's illegal
No, not at all. Pulling a condom out of your vag at 2pm is NOTHING like finding $10 in your winter coat. Stop trying to make me feel better.
I'm laying outside on my patio attempting to get sun with a puke bucket next to me... This is dedication to the tan my friend
These bathrooms are miraculous. I'd love to have sex in here. Wow. I've peed 5 times.
Judging by my bruises, I know I took more than one tumble. I probably pulled u down w me, and then punched you in the knee. Been trying to find a place to fix my phone between naps today. Almost no place accepts hand js as currency these days. 2013 is gonna be expensive and whorey.
He was making a joke about signing my name on this piece of paper. He has a whole bucket filled with names on pieces of paper. I think thats how he keeps count.
He kept saying I needed to go to the hospital and it just made me want to call him a pussy so I went to bed
Is there anything more American than getting day drunk and watching Hulk Hogan promos?
Saw a thong on the yellow lines of the street when I left this morning, are they yours by any chance?
I need a significant other who'll eat Skittles from my boobs
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