Remember back in the day when getting fingered in the movie theater was the best thing ever?
just saw a DUI checkpoint outside of a taco bell...i feel like thats cheating...
You tried to pay the bartender in graduation checks, I think you'll be fine in the real world.
So I gave him a handjob and now we aren't friends anymore
You're at Notre Dame. What did you expect?
I came home to the cats covered in paint and he was asleep in the tub with a firefighters hat on.
I think I was the only one who knew you were acting like you weren't drunk in public issues discussion this morning. Make sure you thank me in your Academy Award Speech someday.
I woke up at 4am on the floor covered in olive oil and fire extinguisher powder but all I wanted to know was where the rest of my booze was at.
I did my walk of shame through a safeway at 8am to get YOUR hangover bagels. You're welcome asshole
Besides he said his dick was as big as a loaf of bread and that it was broken. So I was like u have half a head of hair and a broken dick that looks like bread. No thanks. Im good.
My 12 o'clock class is an all star team of my ex's hook ups
Is it bad that I want a job purely so I can buy drugs with without feeling like I am sacrificing my future?
Why do you think I have a job?
Just in case the world ends tomorrow, I have an emergency contact group of booty calls I can send a quick "let's fuck" to before I die.
He told me he was gonna go wash a trailer and somehow I ended up eating vodka fruit with children in a green bean field.
If not, I can murder my liver twice...it's like a cat, it has 9 lives
What's the point of having a gay best friend if he doesn't play with your titties?
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