I'm gonna get wrecked tn I might have to keep my phone at home cause I'm sure ill send you really weird txts
hey no worries the mystery has been solved- i jst sneezed and my undies popped outta my nose.
i hate having sex with him only a few drinks in. i like it better when i cant remember the gory details.
I woke up wearing no shirt sleeping next to a half-eaten grilled cheese.
Well did you call the grilled cheese yet? Or r u waiting the usual 3 days?
i jus seen this fat chick walk buy look like she had don king coming out her arm pits..
Words of Wisdom: ordering a pitcher of whiskey cokes, putting a straw in it, and calling it your drink is not socially acceptable
Retelling stories from our semester makes me realize we need to get tested for herpes.
Im not moving so it's going to have to be a 3 some.
They glued all of the ceiling tiles shut.
oh my god. you caused complete remodeling to a college campus that you don't even go to
Lucas & I had a photo shoot with her cape & I had child arm floaties on most the night.. woke up in a spiderman bed
The last thing I remember was you puking all over the inside of my door and him yelling "PUKING RALLY!!!"
I'm going to text my booty call and tell him nevermind, that I got the job finished by myself. That will teach him to text back faster.
This lesson is brought you by a psychology class.
I just came so hard my vision went blurry. I can only hope one day I'll find a man that can accomplish what my left hand does on a tri-daily basis.
Thanks for being the best husband and reassuring my fuck buddy that you're comfortable with my adultery. You da real MVP.
I haven’t taken my socks off in over 36 hours. I should add that to my bumble profile.
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