Hey you
You're the only one I'll text back during sex. what's up?
News Flash: Turtles are cuter than Jesus.
Congrats on damning at least 10 generations of your offspring to hell with just one text message. Way to start your morning off right.
i'm really high, and this is sooooooooooo important. how many frosties does it take to fill a bathtub?
So I'm driving and this guy next to me at the stop light is reving his engine and honking at me. Motherfucker thinks that's because I'm asian and drive a honda I'm automatically going to race him
And just when I was about to fall asleep, he hit me in the face, and claimed he's a "violent sleeper".
Regular drunk falling on flat ground did not prepare me for drunk falling into a pile of firewood.
Tommarow we shall sacrifice the freshmen to the sun god
I convinced a shit ton of people I was a russian foreign exchange student to get free drinks. I knew learning those accents would come in handy.
He's under the table sobbing because he doesn't live in a taco if you ever get him this high again I will stab you
Well to me, someone is not really my friend until we go to a mcdonalds drunk at 4am. It's like a right of passage
I just remembered I did the whole byebyebye dance at the bar
Trust me. My dick only does selfies for you.
He was cheering for me from the end of the bar as I sloppily ate a Ruben sandwich. It made me feel really special.
If he has a beard, chances are, that’s an open invitation to sit on his face
I didn’t spend $100 for a wax to sit here and listen to you FT your brother to complain about how bad the Jets are.
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