I just got hit in the face by an old lady love handle.
I never thought I'd hear the words "aww you pulled out" and "you're so sweet" in the same sentence.
why do cheetos always look like penises
10 dollar pizza all the toppings you want. Wait Until You See This Pizza
we fucked while he was on the clock. He didnt even take off his bullet proof vest. Dont tell me thats not bad ass.
Good morning! Spongebob is on channel 257 when you wake up. Help yourself to breakfast. You were great last night. See you when i get back.
It's four o'clock and my 60yo aunt's tits have already made an appearance and there is a dildo traveling around the room periodically assaulting family members. Strangely I am thankful.
For future reference "bring our litter sisters on our date day" is not such a good idea
You're fucking beautiful as shit and we should have loving sex...
I plan on drinking enough to kill at least 2 frat boys and make an aa meeting weep for joy
Doing bumps while the kids play upstairs. #bestnannyever
Just remembered when I first started going down on him he goes "ok now I feel a little better about the broncos losing"
I couldn't break up with him while I was wearing a Hakuna Matata shirt.
So here I am, sexting at work.
Come to my place after work and we can discuss our finances over a coors delight and a fire ball shot
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