Hes sobering up now. He was just really bad for like 45 minutes. He cried while he was telling me how he pictured us eating hotdogs on the beach together..
yesterday, he said he didn't trust me around his daughter because "if she was wrapped in rolling paper u'd smoke her." yup.
When she talks to me all I hear are 5 generations of inbreeding speaking.
Packing up everything in the dorm. Silly bands to unused condom ratio is ridiculous.
I mean you guys are my friends and all but if you fuck with me I will not hesitate to set you on fire
I just realized that the thing that smelled like an electrical fire in my house was me.
In other news my cocaine dealer got arrested for heaving some kid out of a fourth story window.
I may have had sex with him and told him we wasn't worth my time then went home and made mashed potatoes
Wrong. I really wanted to see the movie. And she was on top of me like she was riding a mechanical bull. Who am I to complain? I live to serve.
I think I accidentally agreed to be someone's surrogate
I didn't know that all of his brothers would be hot and musical too. That's a dick move on behalf of biology.
I have 35 pounds of pennies. Need any?
Just wore the promise ring dad gave me freshman year of high school as a fake wedding band while I bought a pregnancy test. I think it's safe to say that's not what he had in mind with that gift 14 years ago.
I didn't have anyone to cheers so I tapped my beer on your fish tank... a little too hard
Can we skype so I'm not drinking alone?
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