..well, okay, so long as I don't have to wear an apron or vaccum in high heels.
nope just do me i'm drunk and easy to plz
im dressed up like a present. waiting for someone to unwrap me ;)
this is your brother
lady crackhead wearing pjs and a santa hat brushed the snow off my car at 7am saying "free of charge" the whole time
Dude, I just scraped frozen vomit from my rooftop
I really wish I could say this is a new low for you
I woke up at 5 this morning face down on my bed with gummy bears stuffed in my leggings. Yeah.
you threatened to puke on the table cause they didnt serve eggs Benedict
Still can't believe they give people like us a drivers license and college degree.
I think my multiple attempts of taking his life, no matter how unintentional they were, has put a damper on our friendship
i never thought i could drink so much vodka in 8 minutes
On a scale of 1 to "bad descision", where does stealing my racist neighbors dog and giving him my roomates dildo for a chew toy rate?
It was a taxi full of fist pumps and chanting to "face down, ass up". It was that 1% that makes my job worth it.
He is so pussy whipped she has made him change his name to Toby
Can't decide if it was more awkward buying sheets together or disposing of them afterwards
I talked to the pizza guy for 10 minutes about my truck, I don't even have a truck
If there's a nuclear war you can come over. I'll feed you soup and you can rig up car batteries to power the coffee pot and toaster. We can grow tomatoes and chickens.
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