you kept typing in answers.com, why are the state police calling my house, expecting an answer
all i remember is stealing his cheesepuffs and shaving my vagina in the hotel lobby
Also, I'm sewing my entire Halloween costume by hand. I better get laid at every single party I go to.
it was either that or behind a dumpster, and i am way too pretty to pee behind a dumpster
on todays agenda: meeting with a life coach then going to the dollar store to buy batteries for my vibrator. clearly im still unemployed.
Don't blame me for eating all the ham.. I gave it out to people, so at most I'm guilty of ham distribution
You were telling the cab driver that you believe in him and just to follow his dreams
When a girl says " I never would have come over if I knew I was getting kicked out at 7am." the correct response isn't "but think of how responsible you're being."
there is a dorito bag in my car full of my mouth blood
hurry up this bar wont let me order big pitchers of beer for just myself
I think if you have sex on the couch it will psychologically damage it.
You know you had a good night when your wearing you best friends pants to work the next day
We were looking everywhere for you and I finally found you in the closet talking to a build a bear.. So I gave you and myself another drink
I walked in to you guys using a milk jug as a gravity bong
Surrounded by smaller versions of the same
I’m never getting home or fucked or eating hot Taco Bell fml
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