Did you ever notice that cashews look like fetuses?
he said he didn't have a condom.
and you said?
that that's fine cause i was ready to be a mom. yeah - he magically had a condom he forgot about after that.
I let some guy put hot sauce in my asshole for his birthday
Didn't tell him I was on my period. Then had to surreptitiously remove some uterine lining from his cock.
im returning my roomates shirt with a "i got laid in this" thank you note
We should reintroduce naked Mondays
My goal is to upperdeck the house I'm at, because it's some girl I don't know's birthday. Welcome to adulthood, bitch.
It's okay. I've dumbed down my notes over the semester because I knew I wouldn't be up to understanding things come finals.
He's rapping about a turtle neck sweater. Please come get me.
Just realized i left my bra at his house. WHY do i suck at one night stands?!
Dude she tried to bite my face off last night, literally. I have never actually felt like a piece of meat until that point in life...
My plan for the weekend: 1) Get shit faced in Vegas. 2) Not die
Hey, I left a taco in your dishwasher.
It was great. Except he kept asking me to lick his butthole, I was like firm no
I’ve got a closet full of cosplay outfits and horny boytoy to help me ride out this pandemic
Randomize
