For real. Like, if I ever had to choose a last meal, I would just choose to get high and eat whatever was around.
I can hear my fat mexican neighbor yelling "do you like that!" ...I hope its not his dog
So, when he came he screamed MORTAL KOMBAT!!!! at the top of his lungs and all of his roomates yelled back FINISH HER!!!!.....yeah kinda akward
I made him tell me how he proposed to his wife before I'd bang him. I have a problem.
I hope the walls stop moving before my manager notices that i'm still drunk.
I will not remember tonight for the most part. This text will be evidence. You can and probably will use this against me.
In preparation for st patty's day I finally had a shamrock shake, and I invested in an app that will apparently keep me from drunkenly texting you pictures of my tits this weekend. Please let me know if you want to not be put on the "forbidden" list!
Ok so last thing I remember was hugging a cop while vomiting
He wasn't excited for the fifty shades of grey trailer, so I told him we're done
Having sex with him is like eating mayo. Don't think about it, just do it. It's worth it.
I think God is sending me all these 20 year olds to make up for wasting my 20's in that crappy ass marriage. Thanks Big Guy!
Stop getting drunk and running away. I can'tell chase you. Iim in heels and have big boobs. Running is a bad idea for me.
I bet you there is porn for people who get off on someone rubbing Chipotle on themselves
I'M HANGING OUT WITH THE DRUG DEALER UPSTAIRS JUST SO I CAN STEAL HIS WIFI PASSWORD, I HOPE Y'ALL LOVE ME.
Well when you come back we can have a huge bitch fit...or get really drunk....whichever comes first
Randomize
