Not sure what happened last night, but there are four mini bikes outside and some guy is wearing my shirt passed out in the breakfast nook. Won't be telling the grand kids about this one.
the bulge in his pants is not junk. its hair. trust.
NEWSFLASH - my freind is drunk and admitted that he hates having sex with dogs. should i help him or let him be??
He also left me a wonderful voice mail..... and is now asking me where the planters peanut guy is.
You should probably go find him.
He snuck into some random hotel's continental breakfast at 3 AM and then passed out on a bench in the lobby. When the cops found him they made him empty out his pockets. No phone, no ID just muffins.
Well i'm not entirely sure considering he gave my vagina an early valentine's day card that said "you're purrfect."
He tried to fight me not realizing that I work as a bouncer in the the same bar we were in. His night ended with him in handcuffs, missing teeth, PLUS I got his shots that he ordered since he didn't get to drink them.
at wine tasting. Can i cleanse my Palate with a frito?
It's end St Patricks day. I'm gonna need a leash. And a bib. And a rain check on anything considered dignifying.
FRIENDS DON'T LET FRIENDS WASTE THE LAST ADDERALL.
Walking towards a police car with full spotlights on you while being fully erect..awkward exp. for both parties
i am rolling on molly so fucking hard i want to do 300 cartwheels
She helped me out of the car and i face planted into the snow.....and just stayed there and took like a 30 min nap.
HAVE BEEN SPEAKING IN RUSSIAN ACCENT FOR 5 HOURS
SHIRT GONE
It's official. My little brother has had more sex in my car than I have. I'm still tied with my little sister. I hate everybody.
R.I.P my virginity. TOD 12:37pm
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