I give out O-faces like they're halloween candy
So, apparently, "i expected your penis to be bigger" isn't good pillow talk.
He tipped the stripper with quarters. After that not even the waitress would talk to us. I had to move to another table to get a lapdance
Well, he sent me "techno kitty adventure" about 10 minutes ago. So, he could be anywhere.
He asked if I wanted to "hang out"
A verb which here means "do lines off my dick"
He graduated with honors. I've seen him kneeboard on dry ground and run a razor scooter into a wall...anyone can graduate with honors
I'm basically just sitting in the porta poTty finishing my bottle of champagne bc I am too lazy to carry it back to the tailgate
Well. Your father was, shall we say, privately surfing the Internet when he found a video of you and Kevin. This was on a very public website honey.
By the way, Kevin! OMG good catch honey!
I'm warming McDonald's pies on my heater cause I'm too high for the microwave.
Congratulations, you have turned my vagina into a garden hose.
I'm 10 cats away from completing my post divorce transformation.
WHO GIVES HANDJOBS AT 8 IN THE FUCKING MORNING
I told the cops they couldn't arrest me until they found my shoe. Now I have the grant county cops looking for my heels by the rail road tracks.
I used to sleep with a guy on the USA rugby team... He stole my credit card and my Hitman DVD. I'm more upset about the Hitman DVD..
Worst wingman u don't do ANYTHING but laugh at my incompitant shyness
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