Rock
Scissors
Fuck
So it wasn't until I came that he pointed out the glow in the dark plastic star still stuck to my forehead. Fun times.
if i died would you start the facebook group?
I just spread your mom's ashes with my new girlfriend. I wouldve waited for you to fly home but she was uncomfortable in the house with her remains there. I'll mail you the urn since u handpainted it.
YOU HAVE A GIRLFRIEND ALREADY!?! WTF WE JUST HAD HER FUNERAL 3 WEEKS AGO!!!!!!!!!!!!
Just learned the hard way that dicks can bruise the back of your throat to the extent that you cant eat. You're dead to me.
this morning i checked my reflection in the toilet as i was throwing up to make sure i still had my pearl earrings on
I went out in a blaze of glory. I failed the field sobriety test by saying ABCD FUCK YOU.
My vagina supports interfraternal relations
My mom just came into the kitchen and watched me take a double shot of whiskey and chase it with a beer and said "you are my son." Proudest family moment ever
I hate him and his pretentious your-sleeping-in-the-wet-spot look.
I'm hungover as hell. I'm dying. I have no skin left on my knees
It was dark, she woke me up, gave me a blowjob and then whispered in my ear: do you know who I am?
Can I just say I love that you have a kegorator on your wedding registry?
It's really not cool dreaming about going into labor with your ex boyfriends love child as you're sleeping next to him.
One minute you were celebrating, the next you were bleeding all over your Nikes.
Randomize