This cookie i'm eating tastes like pizza. It was so worth contacting my sister for pot.
not allowed to tweet this cos she's following me but i definitely just got head in a stairwell of the university of chicago. wanted you all to know.
so apparently mom and dad slept together on the first date
i guess it runs in the family.
You do realize I got a panda tattooed on my ass just to get you laid, right?
We welcome drunken adversity.
With open legs.
Please tell me your aunt didn't see the Brita pitcher full of condom wrappers. We had at least 100.
There is a drunk marine passed out on my porch. Mandy wouldn't sleep with him, Can you please come remove him?
Seriously, I am going to crawl in a hole, sew my vagina shut, and spit acid on any man that comes near me.
I may or may not have told him that he's "the only one with a PHD in this pussy"... I should like direct cheesy porno flicks or something.
My roommates said duck dynasty was stupid ... toto i don't believe we're in kansas anymore.
THE EAGLE HAS MY PANTIES. I REPEAT. THE FUCKING MASCOT HAS MY PANTIES.
HOLY SHIT. You're my hero.
Current dream situation- Gordon Ramsey is my Uber driver and he's hauling around a backseat filled with chocolate covered açai berries. I'm good for eternity.
This is gonna be the kind of weekend where if it involves putting on pants, it ain't happening.
Well the good news of being walked in on, my mom says your tits are pretty. Then she added that hers were like that once. Fml
It wasn't as awesome as they lead everyone to believe. No stripper. Ran out of booze. The chipmunk. He was real.
Randomize
