everything was going good until you started showing off the pictures of poop you took with your phone
I just heard an old guy ask the chick he was with if she wanted to try ass to mouth...
thanks for that.
bubblegum was invented today. we're getting drunk. end of story.
I finally won that bet on when the anorexic girl would pass out at the gym. You owe me 10 now
If theres one good thing that came out of our relationship its this chicken recipe. And squirting.
But it's a terrible idea. One erection and it's gonna go wrong
In line at the grocery store. The girl ahead of me is in a wetsuit and just bought 3 cases of beer and a bottle of vodka. I want to go where she's going...
Random question, but did I leave a spoon on your dresser last night?
Dude you spent 20 minutes on the phone with dominos answering machine trying to order a pizza
Sex is always the answer.
Especially if the question is: what have I not had this year?
Drowning in science and also vodka. Hope you're having fun.
WHY IS THERE NO EMOJI FOR "FUCK MY MOM JUST SAW MY SEX BRUISES?!"
I hope you get eaten by satanic starfish.
I gave her a cheerful high five and she turned to me and said, "we should do that with our genitals." I may have to marry this girl.
The best thing about last night is when drunk Lauren asked cop if she could smoke a joint in front of him. And next thing I remember she’s smoking weed with a cop. How awesome is that.
Randomize
