Hey when I die alone will you come by often enough so that my cats don’t eat my face?
john hughes is dead. crushing any and all dreams of me ever being in an 80's john hughes film. bummer.
Here. I am here. I do not know where here is but it includes condom balloons, a keg castle, and a shaved goat. Do not find me...I am in post blackout heaven.
i just found out the cashier has a picture of my junk in her phone.
Walked into my campus store carrying a pitcher of sangria. No fucks given. Also this recipe is banging.
What is she getting? Last time we talked her behavior was conducive to getting a tramp stamp on her face.
So the dude who sold me my english book is the same guy who let me punch him in the face in exchange for a cig at a party a few weeks ago. small world huh ?
We got back from the bar and started watching bizzare foods, which subsequently led to the consumption of large amounts of rancid lunch meat and small insects.
I just realized I haven't got laid since the last time the Browns won.
I yelled "NO FLEX ZONE!!!" at the guy that thinks it's cool to take off his shirt at the party then proceeded to puking
Your babysitter texted, wants me to pay with weed. I don't know where to get any & don't want to. Will she take cigarettes instead? Or um, cash? Like a person?
HAPPY BIRTHDAY I ATE TOO MUCH OF AN EDIBLE AND TOLD MY BARISTA I LOVED HER
Threesomes are not as fun as you'd think. I left with a black eye and I'm not sure who's to blame.
Guess who just set half their backyard on fire.
Please tell me youre joking.
Nope. on the brightside though, im really gonna quit smoking this time.
We were talking about kinky shit, and I suggested a hand job in church.
How'd that go over?
Praise the lord and pass the lotion.
Randomize
