Did you know that cab drivers don't take quarters for payment? They don't even like it when you ask.
I just got hit by a car. I'm fine; I'll be to the bars in about 15
You kept telling me to "raw dog" your take home breathalyzer without the mouthpiece
All I know is I had a penis in one hand a bottle of wine in the other
Just found a quarter that has been stuck to my boob since at least last night.
nothing like baby laughter to ruin a masturbation moment
Spotted: woman loading franzia into a toddler-sized shopping cart for her child to push. Beautiful.
Just high watching the holiday fireplace channel. My space heater lends authenticity to the fire experience. Come over.
He texted me saying that his mom found my nuva ring in their jacuzzi filter. I don't think I'm welcome back anytime soon.
Out of control sex drive for a girl? I just masturbated in the bathroom at my in-laws house before dinner....
Awk. Hanging with her while messaging her ex about sex injuries he gave me
You're too young to have this sort of Grizzled Old Drunk In Roadside Bar wisdom.
STOP FUCKING TELLING PEOPLE ABOUT THAT TIME THAT GUY CAME ON MY FACE WHILE I WAS ASLEEP!!!
We were having sex but then he spanked me and i punched him but it was just a reflex i swear
She is still drunk from the night before, sitting here eating KFC mashed potatoes and drinking Arbor Mist before Anatomy lab.
Randomize
