Please don't call me names while I'm carrying your child.
We've reached that awkward stage of the relationship where he's in love with me when he's drunk, but sober him is still afraid of commitment.
My dora the explorer band aid does not cover up the shame i feel right now
All i have left of him are the magnum X-Large condoms he left in my room, knowing full well that no other guy I hook up with will be able to fill his shoes. He taunts me.
Just checked my phone. Sometime last night I googled sex positions in a tent. Was there even a tent there?
He almost got to me tonight but then I was like fuck it I'm going to dance with a teli-tubby on the bar so fuck you
His water bottle is sitting on my coffee table like a monolith dedicated to the things he is not doing to my vagina.
These girls just walked into this party as reverse cowgirls... Wearing cowboy clothes all backwards
I think we need to stage an Intervention. Her Instagram is a call for help.
I'm sorry that throwing up fish and Jamaican Rum in the back of your dad's car ruined our friendship
Well I just found a coupon for cheese in the bathroom so I've got that going for me
Is it bad that I have more guilt over drunk eating Doritos than hooking up with my ex's best friend last night?
I feel like any time there's that much rope, lingerie, and horse masks on the ground, it's safe to say it was a great night
In my life time, I want nothing more than to get a blow job while watching Space Jam.
Holy shit he’s stupid hot! If you don’t hurry up and make a move my ovaries are going to march over there and introduce themselves
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