New dating criteria: what kind of ex will this person be?
I figured he was gay when I walked in on him working out to Flirty Girl Fitness.
i just woke up to seventeen texts from you saying all the things you would have done for a french fry.
She fucked me because she said I looked like Neil Patrick Harris
First date: that requires underwear, huh?
keep an eye on me. i'm afraid that after a few more drinks i'll ask to borrow his wheelchair.
I just had a brazillian performed by a hungarian named olga. Im pretty sure she was trying to rip out my soul. You owe me a million orgasms
FYI I just found your friend. Asleep. In. My. Kayak. In. Pool.
I fell asleep while we were Skyping and woke up to his balls bouncing in front of the camera while he sang "Wakey Wakey!" over and over again. Merryfuckingchristmas.
Its a "sake bomb in the bathroom during class" kind of day.
Seriously your house is like the underground railroad for unwanted gay kids
only i would grind with someone to harp music at a gay wedding
I guess I'm an especially affectionate person under the influence of tequila.
It’s like my vagina just knows when a man is a barrel-chested freedom fighter.
So today was the first day i've been sober since Wednesday according to my roommate!
Randomize
