I can't believe we just used the phrase "jizz to juice ratio" in casual conversation.
For future reference, the words 'big' and 'problem' should be used sparingly with a person whom you have recently had copious amounts of unprotected sex
What's the kids name that was drinking stale beer and redbull out of the blender?
Guy next to me is looking up how to press his own ecstasy pills. I'm going to befriend him and see where this goes
i think we should start charging the bum that sleeps on our porch rent..
on the way home I asked you what exit we get off at and your answer was "just like the goldfish"
All I'm asking for is flower occasionally, and in return you get to come home to me naked in heels. Is that to much to ask for?
Still losing my voice, so I am trying to get it back through drugs. Welcome to my Monday logic.
I would have been very attracted to her had she not been reading me my Miranda Rights
For Halloween this year I'm going to paint myself in gold, wear a golden toga and sash saying " cunt goddess"
The only difference between us and a pack of 14 year old girls is substance abuse
I went to work hungover and threw up in the break room. Told them I was pregnant and then said I quit. I don't have a job now, thanks vodka.
I promise not to pretend to be Jesus and take the wheel. But to my credit you shouldn't be saying that while I'm that drunk and we are in a car.
What happened last night dude?
YOU SHIT ON MY FUCKING COFFE TABLE THATS WHAT FUCKING HAPPENED!!!
He just got out of surgery, almost died from shooting him self with an arrow.
Randomize
