i just spent an hour trying to convince my blind date that star wars is better than star trek. help me
dude your girlfriend is running naked down the hall with a raw chicken taped to her stomach saying this is what I'll look like pregnant...run far far away
Dude you need to stop whoring out my boobs. They are for emergencies only.
She woke me up, whispered "I like the size of your dick", kissed me, and rolled over and went back to sleep
Just woke up. Need to shower and fuck. Be there when I'm done disappointing. Should be 30.
not much just sitting outside his bathroom door naked eating cheetoes. You?
Wouldn't life be so much easier if you could just walk up to attractive men and say, "Let me bear your children" and it wouldn't be creepy?
Or possibly end in a restraining order?
I was so high the sounds of a cricket drove me out of my home at 4am.... Boo that fucking cricket
He had a drawn-on fu manchu and now my vagina has one too.
Dude... I had a dream that I was getting high for the first time. I got to experience my weedginity again. It was glorious.
I just wanna get drunk and go sledding in my kayak
It's amazing what a couple of orgasms can do for a girls demeanor.
So uh... Did you mail me business cards that describe my profession as "tortured soul"?
Just don't do anything stupid
i did a stupid sorry
I need to find a divorced guy with a boat and let my tits do the talking
Randomize
