I asked him where the store BJ's was and he unzipped his pants.
Oh my god. Just had sex with this girl on the boardroom table at my work at midnight (win!) just realized I left the condom wrapper on the table (lose!)
This frat boy drinking a forty and wearing a pussy patrol shirt just ran out in front of my car. I should have used less brakes.
There's a level of bonding between people at the liquor store at 10:30 in the morning that's unrivaled
Also, we should really buy some bandaids. Right now I'm using toilet paper and scotch tape, but I don't really think that's sanitary.
She's the perfect storm when it comes to psycho stalkers
There are parrots here and they're headbanging to the music. There's also a clown and a pit bull that can jump onto tables. Too high for this shit.
im shotgunning beers in the kitchen. alone. the cat is judging me.
Trying to find a reliable dealer on Rockfordmugshots.com. Guy arrested for 15 grams of coke could be him !
You realize those people have been ARRESTED recently. right.
No I have an idea, I saw you running through the neighborhood at 3am while I searched for my flip flops in a ditch
Should we go get some celebratory "I'm not pregnant" tacos?
I promise that I won't shotgun beers with your boyfriend this time, Scouts Honor.
My next goal in this relationship is to teach my boyfriend that there are valid reasons to be fear of dolphins completely.
Everybody posting sickening holiday couple pics and I'm over here deepthroating a bottle of whiskey.
I have been adopted by a clan of drunken skinny dipping tourists.
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