he called me back to his office so he could lick a line of pixie stick off of my thigh
be sure to add "office slut" to your resume
you spent the rest of the night making a recipe for mixed drink called "the new years bowel remover". it has 13 parts but judging from the bold all caps, the boiled avocado is the most important
buying new sheets for when my mom visits. I can't in good conscious let her use the ones from last night
My clit ring got caught in his beard. Never. Again.
you invented a new sport called "bacon pulling" and you cried everytime a piece broke
Great way to live...just blowing loads on upholstery
She looks like she smells of sausage, sunblock and sorrow.
Novelty of the week: Getting my lipstick back in an evidence bag
I'm sorry I never said I wasn't coming home last night. To my defense I did type and send a text, only I was too drunk to realize I sent it to the guy I was with instead of you.
At the funeral we'll say nice things, like "She was delightfully extreme, psychotically wonderful, and could probably drink all you fuckers under the table."
That's literally the perfect eulogy
Yeah. That's the shitty part. God, I don't want to be a step mom. Sure I'm great with kids, but I just want unlimited sex and not have to worry about making friends with a fucking 7 year old.
I woke up in someone's flat in Budapest and then got offered a free piercing before I left. Best. Hookup. Ever.
Just opened my sisters laptop to "cute places to lose my virginity" googled last
I just got baptized.
Drunkenly skinny dipping in a indoor hotel pool is not okay and does not count as a baptism.
Don't care if they even pay me; I lifeguard for the fringe benefits -- free tourist vagina in the Hilton jacuzzi every single night
Randomize
