Question: does he have any sense of self image? He looks slightly like he crawled out of the Euphrates after living as a fish for 20 years
I've decided that life's journeys are more fun when your moral compass hangs in front of you and swings with each step
He looked me in the chest and said "I think I was visited by the titty fairy last night"
I will not ride trays down a flight of stairs topless and drunk....
also, I just found three random bruises on my knee. probably from when I was velcrod to the stairs
She just told me she had a double jointed jaw and winked at me while eating her bananna. That's not possible right?
I either just got free sex or a nice jail sentence. Text me in 10 to verify.
Please do us both a favor and come rip my clothes off.
idk but i can hear her singing "Call Me Maybe" really slowly and emotionally in the shower right now
The trick will be getting hammered before we get to the first bar
Challenge accepted
I should have been on a postcard. I was sitting in the middle of the forest with a plate full of pot brownies and missing you.
Nothing says I'm committed to you for all eternity like letting him wear crocs to the wedding
Give me a few. Gonna ride the rollercoaster.
Thanks for not letting me get involved with a serial killer. That's true friendship
If you wanna do actual business call my office. If you’re just looking to get laid you need to up your game
Randomize
