it was a mass text i'm sorry
do you usually send 'hey sexy' as a mass text?
is it sad that i can masturbate and get my big O just from thinking about a Tiffany engagement ring?
feel weird hangin out with you now that i've eaten your sister out
I'm drunk in class and I'm pretty sure the bible freak behind me is saying a prayer for me
As your boss, I feel obligated to tell you that turning our management meeting into a kegger may just be the best idea you've given me yet.
i woke up next to the toilet with a chipped tooth, somebody elses shirt on, and a random guys id in my pocket
The moral of the story is do not hire me because everything will end up smelling like pickles and I will not sufficiently clean it up.
God I love incriminating evidence...wonder what the statue of limitations is on shitting on someones driveway
Prepare for tons of dick. I mean dick by the bucket loads. Waterfalls if cock.
And I think your bro would be happy to know that when I took my bra off like 10lbs of confetti fell out. It was like my tits were celebrating being free
You didn't try to help me when I fell on the dance floor. She brought me cupcakes. You're a shitty friend, suck your own dick.
i love it when bitches who pick on you in high school get fat. thank you facebook you have made my day.
Not gonna lie: had to look up how to spell fellatio. Not sure I spelled it right even now. Looks like a Shakespearean character. ENTER FELLATIO, SOLILOQUIZING.
I have tasted many bathrooms
Jesus fucking Mary Christ if I have to clean shit out of my fucking bathtub one more fucking time I'm gonna murder a fucking kitten
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