my mom just threw water on me to get me awake and is screaming "where is my fucking car?!"
you gave me a ride last nite what the hell did you do with it after you left me?
i just compared eating a chick out to "gargling a cheeto"
dude i woke up to her making a statue of my morning wood for her sculpture class. HOW THE FUCK do you think i feel about her?
I may have been hammered and in a wheelchair but I definitely remember asking the hospital reseptionist to marry me
i'm sorry, but my penis isnt the solution to your problems
How is it I was the last to know everyone calls me tig ole bitties? Did y'all have a meeting about this that I wasn't invited to?
Bought two parrots for us. I'm keeping them at the Bellagio.
Tried to dodge fire in poncho. Fell through fence. Blood everywhere.
i want to be friends with one of those mini shredded wheat men.
I know it sucks but it's just something that needs to be done though. Like shaving ur pubes or going to the dentist.
Why is your solution always to masturbate
Because it usually works
Butt Stuff 2016 unites us all
Grateful to be alive soliciting dick pics. Thankful i'm alive for these little things and especially these big ones too.
Are you still in his room?
Nope, yogged home at 8 am with one shoe on.
She is either doing really drawn out crunches or trying to sniff her boobs...She's lying on her back with her hand behind her head, forcing her head into the cleavage that's ok to expose and then moves her head back and then does it again.
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