The worlds most fuckable chipmunk
OMG I just tried to text you something dirty but accidentally texted the obama campaign
we need to stop having unprotected sex.
ya i know. we're like the secret life of the american whores.
My lack of memory is directly related to being friends with you.
Please tell me why there is some girl tied to our toilet?
Still had my bottle opener ring on. Started to give him a hand job. LOL
I'm going to need your assistance. I cannot walk back to the house in a bear costume.
Man, I wish they all looked like that. Your vagina deserves to have a nice frame around it, and God's signature at the bottom.
She left me naked in my bed and without my phone I had her give me her phone number on the calculator on my laptop. It might be fake.
So we broke my sobriety. Played life size childhood games. Broke into a cold hot tub and got laid. I think this is BFF quality!
I repeat do not go to a jail visit drunk, those stools are easy to fall off.
We need some Captain and Fanta. That shit will change your life. Sidenote, bring an IV drip to hook me to in the morning
Sean just lit a cig with his taser..... I am in awe
in mid sex he pointed out my great gatsby tattoo and we started discussing themes and metaphors from our fave fitzgerald novels
you need to stop fucking English majors
A reply to my tweet is getting more likes than mine, the disrespect is real
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