don't go home with that guy from jersey
i know, not worth the blood test
Must be January. Theres a fat chick on an elliptical wearing khaki capris. Someone doesnt own any workout clothes
i went to go through my sent box of drunk texts from last night and they were all deleted... i'm going to assume drunk me made the executive decision that sober me would be better off not knowing what they said
Woke up to 'distilleries' on the history channel. Proceded to vomit all over the floor. Back on the wagon today.
I can't believe I just compared my penis to a St. Bernard.
It'll be just me and my penis against the world.
Can we play rock paper scissor shot again? I want to black out in 15 minutes or less...
You had one beer and one beer can full of vodka and you took a huge gulp of one of them and called it Emily Roulette
Remember that picture you sent me of you trying to eat the flower arrangement in the bathroom at that restaurant?
Am I allowed to be in denial about being gay again? Or is that one of those things you can't do?
dont eat that thats our sex nutella.
I wonder if my sister will drive me around while I do bong hits in the back seat..
For not being a nurse or a sex worker I have seen an alarming amount of penises.
i found you laying on the floor staring at the ceiling and you kept muttering "why" in various inflections.
I thought the first time I got peed on it would be by a baby...
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