I finally had kitchen counter sex! i was so excited
He broke up with me by playing Lynyrd Skynyrd "Free Bird".
I woke up with a picture of my dick as my background. still wondering if it was a good night or not.
my vagina's been through so much this weekend
you mean so much has been through your vagina this weekend?
Hey for future reference vodka can not be substituted for water when shaving your legs
My parole officer gave me condoms and a Starbucks gift card ... happy holidays.
I made mike pull over so I could lay in the grass. He made me get up cuz I looked dead and people were passing. It was like 6:30am.
Dude you couldnt even talk, you just kept hiccuping and slamming your head on the wall.
So the stripper who poured a beer on my head also gives great head. Even she doesn't know why she went home with me. No more mystery shot challenges.
You never know how much you love your bed until you sleep with 4 other people in your car.
I just need a text that says "put that food down bitch" and then maybe I'll lose water weight through tears
I just had sex in the men's bathroom of a Chinese buffet...
YOU ARE MY HERO
Let's celebrate that I used a condom
He kept saying I needed to go to the hospital and it just made me want to call him a pussy so I went to bed
Just letting you know that your little sister is now your eskimo brother. You can send a thank you edible arrangement to Tammy.
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