How fat would you say she has to be before I can consider this a threesome
Paddidles count extra in the back of a cop car
Come over and help me clean up your so-called "winter wonderland" that you made with the fire extinguisher in the kitchen last night.
So he might be the smartest man alive. He had the stripper pick him up taco bell on the way to the room for an extra 50 bucks.
If I get laid, we are framing that mattress and hanging it on the wall as the place we both lost our virginities.
I feel like delivery guys should know that when you order lunch for one and answer the door wearing sweatpants, there's no need to say "Happy Valentine's Day."
He snapchatted me his dick and he's circumcised....BRB going to hug his Mom
It's always nice when a total stranger hates your ex just as much as you think they should.
Not sure what time I'll be home. I'm currently topless and the damn stripper won't give me my clothes back
Dollars spent: $83, Girls kissed: 4, Girls slept with:2, Girls currently making me breakfast: 1, Fucks given: 0
I almost had sex at the fire station last night and I need you to acknowledge all the awesomeness that is in that sentence.
All I want is dick and wine.
Idk if my headache is from the alcohol, the pot brownies, or being dragged down 8 flights of stairs by my ankles because i passed out in the 12th floor girls bathroom by you. Probably a combo of all three.
1 why did you tell them where i peed last night and 2 where the fuck are you
I just want to find somebody intelligent enough to trick my parents into thinking she's not a trophy wife. Is that too much to ask?
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