the new term for farting is butt boxing.
so when am I gonna get some from you?
when you dick grows 3 inches
Ah, the precious few moments between when i wake up and when i realize why i'm sleeping on a treadmill.
i'm watching the draft and making cookies. how am i still single?
right before he passed out he said "take care of your tender spirit"
Cognac is not meant to be taken in shots. I just wanted you to know the desperation of last night.
The last thing I want is a chocolate mold of my cock competing with my real cock for time spent in your mouth
At no time is it ever okay for my doctor to compliment my tattoos, when giving me a physical exam.......
So he drunk messaged me last night telling me he wants a baby. Think I should call his bluff?
I figured working in my office on the 34th floor I'd be safe railing xanax off my desk. Of course, I snort it just in time for the window washer guy to give me a thumbs up.
Never go with a hippy to a second location. I fucking hate Xanax.
I just spent 3 hours in the back of an unmarked police cruiser. Best. Date. Ever.
Btw, remind me to tell you about how I had to cancel my crazy wild sex plans with Will b/c my roommate came back from his trip after a day b/c Canada wouldn't let him in. Fucking cockblock.
Actually that's the whole story. You don't have to remind me.
I think the cashier at 7/11 might be planning an intervention for me.
So...I know we have a conversation later this week. But one of the key things I want to know is if I can specify having my body mummified and buried in Egypt (or at least nearby the Luxor in Vegas). How much money do you think that would cost? Do I need to increase my life insurance policy?
Randomize
