U know its gonna be a great day when the guy at the liquor store waves at u cause u walked by
you miss my big massive throbbing cock dont you?
Woah.
that's not how you spell hell yes.
Considering that my ex-wife dumped me to become a lesbian, the Universe owes me a threesome.
I mean, there was frosting being put on a tunafish sandwich. Pretty sure she knew we were high.
He said he got laid, but you and i both know he was too high to leave his house.
He has horses apparently. I wonder if we could fuck while riding a horse or if that's too dangerous.
My first drink last night was a 2-liter of jameson and coke. So hung over it hurt to put my pants back on
Welcome to drunk texts. Live from Margaritaville, it's Saturday night!!!
You are so predictable. I am willing to bet 20$ that instead of going out you are sitting on your couch, stoned, watching Seinfield re-runs and eating cheezits.
1. they're goldfish. 2 fuck you
You were typing for me while I was hyperventilating into a paper bag on the floor.
Dude, get out of Andrea's vagina and call me back
PICK ME UP NOW I THINK THIS MOTEL IS A CRIME SCENE. also congrats on your engagement i saw the post on my phone while i was climbing out the window
Nothing says "single girl" quite like Pinot Grigio and canned ravioli at 11:30 pm....
I just poured two shots of fireball into my Rapunzel mug I love finals.
Just told my mom life fisted my asshole. She looked at me with complete understanding. I'm scared...
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