i feel like a thai whore the morning after the navy left.
U know u have sex too much when u have lube in ur rolliball on ur blackberry
I woke up after 12 hours of being wildly intoxicated, got jizz on my face, and woke up in a different bed than I passed out in. My makeup is still perfect. I'm writing Revlon a thank you note.
Just saw 30+ dicks. Explain later.
Saw an eatery called Rusty Taco. That sooo could be me.
Standards? I'm sitting on his couch eating microwaved ramen wearing his wife's t-shirt. I don't remember what having standards even feels like.
As hard as i've been partying lately their gonna have to revoke my organ donor status
Don't bother coming over to clean the mess. I already paid two kids 5 bucks for it, just didn't tell them you peed all over the place. You do owe me 5 bucks though
Disregard the shoes in the freezer.
I swear she's a drunk klepto...by the end of the night she had stolen 3 bowling balls. HOW DO YOU STEAL 3 BOWLING BALLS?
I knew when her mom came in spraying me with Febreeze telling me I smelled like shame it was going to be a rough day.
I just realized, I'm going to be on my period for the end of the world. FUCK.
His exact words were "Can I meet your vagina?" I kept wondering if he was going to try to shake hands with it...
And one groomsman rode a suitcase cart like a skateboard until he crashed and took out a piece of sheet rock. Later he pulled out his nuts.
I have more important things to worry about than you drowning your cheerios in tequila.
Randomize
