Your lack of dick hurts my anus. I hate your loverboy tactics.
i either got mauled last night by a velociraptor or an angry lipstick lesbian. could have been both
And he just showed me his vera bradley wallet...
worst morning ever. completed my walk of shame home to find my parents, grandma, and priest had come down to surprise me on my birthday. now i'm in the car with them to go get my car from the bar.
My Vagina smells like Nemo again.
Had to use the product locator on on the four loko website to find them at home. Got to go in the backroom of a grocery store to get them. Dedication.
Asking him not to sleep with other girls is like asking me not to have my period apparently
I THREW AWAY MY VIBRATOR BECAUSE IT INTIMIDATED HIM. WORST. DECISION. EVER
why are our drunk alter egos so much more successful than us?
Just saw a woman trying to order Mcdonalds at a trash can. God bless America.
I just washed my birth control down with captain because I don't have any water and I need to wash the blood off my face before I leave my room.....
Remember when I said I had my shit together?
He fucked me over, so I'm going to do what any rational woman does. I'm going to get really high and have sex with his brother.
I can't believe I got dumped for a fat chick, but at least I got four and a half years worth of free shit. So we can call it even.
she prefaced telling me she was pregnant with "houston, we have a problem"
I'd rather plunge my eyes out than acknowledge being related to either of my brothers
Randomize
