How does everyone that never saw me naked know I'm built like a smurf?
Did you see the soccer ref give that girl the red card as she was being kicked out of the party?
Just convinced airport security that im sober. All i do is win.
RIP Summer 2010. God knows it had to be one of us..
My dry heaving is complicating my ability to speak.
Sometimes things go your way and sometimes you get hit on by a fat drunk girl.
I knew it would be a shit show so I just went ahead and took plan b before I even got there. How's that for responsible?
i just want to be sober by dinner like is that too much to ask
According to you, you were with your "Eskimo bro for life" last night.
When you called me you were telling a hobo that you couldn't spare ten bucks bc that was your beer money. All your words were slurred.
Fuck him.
I can't ever look his wife in the eye again. She will see right through my soul to his dick pic.
jusy threw up in the airport bathroom. I am no longer thankful for fireball.
if you're not jumping for joy when you see penis then you're looking at the wrong ones.
woke up and you werent here...its ok if we're never going to speak again but my furry hand cuffs are missing and i would like them back. thanks.
I peed in my closet, which at the time looked like a sparkly bathroom...
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