She actually said during sex "the only thing that would make this more perfect is if we were listening to Lenny Kravitz"
So, obviously, you had to give a fake number this morning.
Yes. Also, we may never be able to go back to that bar again.
i never told you how having a club foot got me laid
Woke up in a different state, wearing only a bk crown. My boxers are in a tree and I think I went to the hospital last night.....
I told you not to do acid with the girl who works the late shift at 7-11
No I got myself stoned. With her bowl. She was just a casualty of the War on Sobriety.
Just blowing bubbles with my nipple rings in my shower.
You always make things weird.
You don't know how badly I want to just hold you as a soup spoon holds a bisque
I fucked in the bathroom while everyone listened and banged my dick against a table shouting "order in the court"
I think I'm going to call this chapter of my life story "Weekday day-drinking in the park isn't just for the homeless!"
When you're trying to sneak from the bathroom to your room with dildo, but it glows in the dark and suddenly your entire life is illuminated in the shape of dick
I want you to know. From the bottom of my heart, that you are a great friend, a beautiful person, and one of my favorite people in this world. But if you ever send me that many messages again at 4am I swear to God, I will push you in from of a fast running rhino
passed out on bart again and decide to bike home. biked thru a goat farm of angry goats, biked on the freeway, got stopped by the cops, and sat shotgun in the squad car while the officer driving got a video on his iphone of his partner riding my bike on the freeway.
He sent me off with a naked dance ending in a meat swing. I don't think I'll be seeing him again.
How do you say happy birthday to someone you fuck occasionally that almost got you arrested? Like what do I text.
what the fuck happened to the tacos
I’m going to bedazzle that dick
What does that even mean
No idea, but I guarantee he’ll get hard every time he remembers it
Randomize
