I would like to be the first to explain to you that if you've woken up with bruised knuckles this morning, it's because last night you tried climbing out of our car window and into the drive through window at maccas. The cashier chick freaked out and slammed the window on you and beat you around the head with her headset thingy.
Shittttttt.
Be not ashamed. It was youtube-worthy.
You screamed 'pound me, you big thick stud.' I looked around for porn cameras.
Shut up. I did not.
I really wish I was making that up.
i got totally wasted at 2pm and cleaned the house bc i was bored. my mom now supports my alcohol problem
i perioded on his leg
on. his. leg.
successfully started a charcoal grill with 2 shots of everclear and some aluminum foil. i never wanna leave here
This is going to be another afternoon spent getting drunk in the shower, isn't it?
I was lying there too hungover to move when my dog jumped onto my bed and set half a calzone on my pillow. Best. Dog. Ever.
I woke up in bed alone w 2 bite marks on my boob... Salt and pepper shakers In my purse along w a bottle of steak sauce.... The drunkasauraus has struck again
Please, take the 2 shots of vodka that I left as an apologie.
So I was thinking for Halloween I'd do Dr. Jekyll and Mr. Hyde....for my vagina.
No, the moral of my Oxford interview was "Never snort caffeine pills".
I cunt my lip shaving. That's not a typo, it's a placement clue
I think it's a scientific achievement that I can make jelly that is 95% vodka so suck it up.
Literally I woke up the other day and the girl part of me was like “GET CUFFED MOTHERFUCKER” and I went ham on tinder.
This is a hot dog holiday. I intend to do my part for the processed meat workers of this great union.
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