i took a field sobriety test yesterday. a crowd gathered, watched me pass it and applauded. then the cops arrested me because i took a bow and fell over.
it was better than the time i puked and I forgot to open the lid of the toilet
I just fell down the stairs in the library and further deviated my septum. That's why I don't study.
He told me that if his bed could talk, it'd write a medical journal. Guess it's too late to worry about that now.
You could become Eskimo brothers with my dad. How can you pass that up? You pussy.
People...there is no better feeling in the world than finding out via Google that your ex has a warrant out for his arrest. No better feeling.
Next time, dont ever let me talk to a guy drunk, especially if I have class with him the next day
Who do you have class with??
The guy that pulled down his pants in the middle of the dance floor to show me his tattoo
Update: just imagined being dirty talked to in an Irish brogue and I think my vagina became a sentient being.
PICK ME UP NOW I THINK THIS MOTEL IS A CRIME SCENE. also congrats on your engagement i saw the post on my phone while i was climbing out the window
In retrospect i can confidently say that the last two months of our relationship... i was only in it because i didnt wanna lose my list on his netflix account.
I just got called the stable friend. This makes me super uncomfortable
Starting to realize that fucking everyone I come across isn't the most... "adult"... coping method.
Hey I know we haven't talked in a while, but I wanted to thank you for those m&ms you bought me for Christmas. Sorry I never got you anything then broke up with you.
maybe you should have closed the porn before you gave the professor your computer to hook up to the projector?
It's done, I'm done, goodbye veneer of class and dignity it was nice knowing you
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