did the hipsters beat you up because you are more ironic than they are?
Just whacked off in the middle of writing a paper, gave me great ideas. Note, should do this more often.
Isn't that the only thing she's good at? Complaining and blow jobs?
Definitely just blazed with the housekeeper. That woman needs a raise
all im saying is that if he was a normal person, he would have fucked me by now.
She just had to change the song on the radio cause I was tap dancing on her windshield
She's doing hand stands on the train as I type. Idk if I'm impressed it embarrassed. Or turned on.
I can't drink with the moms anymore. All they talk about is lactating.
I'm at a gyno in Japan. Safe to say every possible rule of etiquette is about to be broken. Buckle up, motherfuckers.
You know, I think when I have a lot of free time, thats when I pick up odd lovers. Maybe keeping busy is key to not using my vagina
Because I'm sitting in a bath of my own wisdom and drowning my sorrows in coconut rum
and i thought it was paint or jizz but it was cheese
please tell me you didnt taste test that
Maybe singing about how you'd bang Morgan Freeman to the tune of Single Ladies while holding champagne and a box of Cheerios wasn't the best first impression on his parents
Hey do you care to explain why there are 3 empty pickle jars next to me when I woke up or do I even wanna know?
We ran out of vodka, so instead of body shots you wanted to do cupcake shots off her naked body...happy birthday to you.
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