By the way, your roommate is right. His penis is much bigger than yours.
fell asleep with the bong in the pool, weirdest tan line ever
i can't believe you were mixing vodka with green tea last night and enjoying it.
i should bottle and sell it. my slogan could be "green tea vodka. antioxidating while intoxiacting. your liver will thank you. "
Still can't believe they give people like us a drivers license and college degree.
Iranian Rapper, camaroonian basketball player, mexican i forget and indian doctor....this one looks the best on paper.
My judgement was not "clouded". My judgement was in the midst of a fucking hurricane or something ridiculous.
Someone was asleep on the couch next to us and woke up. We paused and he yelled "gentlemen, behold! Sex!"
Please tell me joes at work safe and sound and doesn't smell like jail?
Honestly bro, I can't look at girls you've banged. Its like looking herpes in the face.
I've got my wine, though it wasnt very good so I threw a sour patch kid in it
I am so excited I do not know how I will sleep.
It's like the Christmas morning of dicks
Sweating vodka and spray tan, I feel like a trophy wife.
This is like the first time all week I've properly taken my birth control. My ovaries are so stoked I just know it.
I'm laying in bed cuddling with my teddy bear and eating waffles. I need a fucking boyfriend
All I recall is being at the strip club doing dark rum shots and then puking a question mark on the wall above the garbage can in the men's room and having diarrhea in the sink. 6th drunkest I've ever been without blacking out.
Randomize
