Do you need to be saved?
No I think I'm God
i was more sad about losing him as neighbor on fishville than as a boyfriend
I swear my cock is like a magnet to my friends younger sisters mouths.
I always have trouble explaining my life decisions to people over the age of 30.
I mean I drunk but not enough to handle a Scientology convention
my boss just offered me his leftover salvia im not sure if it was a trick question
So we get back to the hotel room and Tom strips off his clothes... His first sexual act as my fiance? Helicopter dick. I gave him a high five.
nothing like a call from your drunk grandpa at midnight on a wednesday to ask your parents if you're registered to vote...
I want to show up to tomorrow's study group looking like I got hit by a train. A train made of dicks.
making my breakfast out of the pot brownies we made last night. Safe to say it's time to go grocery shopping.
My skirt was too short for the church and I brought my flask to the Scrooge play. God bless us, everyone!
I'm gonna celebrate Valentines day by watching Bob Ross videos and tripping balls.
I havent moved from the couch and I'm licking peanut butter from a spoon, I'm a beautiful person.
I woke up, topless, my car was parked funny so I threw on my hoodieto go fix it and found a jello shot in my pocket. where did I go last night?!
you poured beer in your mouth so you could be a beer pong cup for her to drink out of/make out with
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