a pedometer??? no beatles?Steve jobs just took a dump in CA and it landed on my heart
I've never been 12-exclamation-point-excited for sex. That must have been good.
Who the fuck was that guy he kept pulling his dick out walking up to people trying to hand it to people and saying go ahead open the door like it was a door knob
He stole a bottle of grenadine from the bar. And got arrested. His new cell mate is going to love his bright red lips.
I have a strict rule of what enters my vajay. It's either sparkly, or human. Anything else and I draw the line. Standards.
Now I can say "look me up on Pornhub."
I just threw in a dip with a guy that superglued his fake tooth back in today. My life is complete.
and then I said "oh, I see the price of Plan B has gone up". and the pharmacist looked at me very sadly. I was just trying to make conversation.
Well, I woke up on a roll-away, with a knot in the back of my head and penis confetti stuck to me. Also, I apparently literally gave the shirt off my back right before I passed out, so I was topless. Vegas won this trip.
In hindsight, I probably should not have let the waiter give me a chiropractic adjustment on my neck last night.
The last person that asked me out got pushed down an escalator
When your grandma invites you to a sweet girls' Valentine's dinner with your mom and sister, but you have to decline because you're trying to get two dudes to rail you at once...
I walked in describing her boobs thinking I was talking to you only to hear dad say 'I remember when your moms were like that'. ALWAYS tell me when they get home early. Always
I party with great urgency now.
I should have robbed the cradle years ago. Turns out 21 year old boys can cum and still fuck me silly a minute later. My vagina feels like it just won a car from Oprah!
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